By: Haydn Song
Inhale…Exhale…Inhale…Exhale
Breathing is the hardest thing right now. The room feels small, the tablet heavy in my hand, my dress shoes a little tight around the toes.
Inhale…Exhale…Inhale…Exhale
I’m supposed to start the presentation. My group is waiting for me to step up and take the lead. The filmer is ready with his camera to record what will be part of our final grade.
Inhale…Exhale…Inhale…Exhale
The teacher looks at me expectantly. “Whenever you’re ready!” She says with a kind smile. She’s trying to be reassuring, I can see that, but it does nothing to alleviate the pressure on my chest.
Inhale…Exhale…Inhale…Exhale
I start to clench my fist…inhale…I let go…exhale…I shake my hand in quick rapid movements in an attempt to shake off the nerves…inhale…I step forward into the speaker’s position…exhale…
“Algorithmic Accountability. By Haydn Song, Ashlyn…”
Their names. Remember their names. Words are flowing through my mouth at a rapid pace. My body seems to have a mind of its own. It feels like I’m watching myself give a performance from inside my own body. Not even sure if I am getting my point across, I start to panic. But it’s too late to stop now.
“Meta the Social Media giant, knows this and…”
I don’t like this. Why can’t I stop what I’m saying? Everything is pouring out of me. My words, my thoughts, my mind is going blank. But the words keep coming. Hand gestures, constant. The inflection in my voice, strange.
“Almost 3.3 billion people are influenced by…”
3.3 billion people? That sure sounds like a lot. Did I find this out myself or did Alex give me this information? Doesn’t matter. I have to watch myself finish this.
“A solution that I propose is to exercise our right to free speech…”
Free speech. Which part of the constitution is that? Constitution? More like constant tuition. How am I going to pay for College? Am I doing enough for school? Am I doing enough for myself? When was the last time I was able to take a proper rest?
“And now for my colleague Cate with the Social and Cultural lens…”
*snap* I start to retreat back in line with Alex. I blink my eyes for the first time in minutes. I look at my presentation on my iPad and I’m finished. The white screen gazing back at me with the next portion of our presentation. Not my portion. Someone else’s. I’m done with my part. How? I’m not sure in the slightest. I stepped forward and stepped back. Inhale…Exhale…Inhale…Exhale
The cameraman, my friend Carter, looks at me and gives me an enthusiastic smile as well as a thumbs up. I give a slight nod back in acknowledgement. I still need to look professional while I have control over my body.
Inhale…Exhale…Inhale…Exhale
Cate steps back. Alex steps forward.
Inhale…Exhale
Alex steps back. Ashlyn steps forward.
Inhale…Exhale
Ashlyn steps back. The teacher asks Ashlyn a question.
Inhale…Exhale
Ashlyn answers. The teacher asks Alex a question.
Inhale…Exhale
Alex answers. The teacher asks Cate a question.
Inhale…Exhale
Cate answers. The teacher asks me a question.
Inhale…Exhale
“I-I’m sorry could you please repeat that?” I respond with a stutter. Inhale…Exhale…Inhale…Exhale
The teacher repeats it. I answer.
“Congratulations you finished your TMP!”
Inhale…Exhale…
Relief-